Let’s start with the cliff notes version of my story. My journey, if you will.
Hello! I’m Cass, and I’m a nonbinary transmasculine person who was assigned female at birth. I’m also queer, black, Latinx, biracial, and a big nerd. That all factors in, I promise. Still with me? Cool.
I’ve gone through many phases, many identities in my 33 years on this earth. But they all have one unfortunate common thread: feeling not enough. Not good enough, not talented enough, and definitely not pretty or attractive enough. The privilege to live my truth has certainly helped me squash these feelings at least temporarily, which in part gave me the courage to take a chance.
I had contacted Christi at Grinkie Photography near the beginning of my gender journey when I decided to look for boudoir studios on a whim. I had grown fascinated by the art of boudoir after taking pole dancing and burlesque classes years ago. I love the beauty, strength, and femininity of it all, so I wanted to see if my increasingly not-feminine self would still be welcomed into the world. Thank goodness Christi said yes!
Fast forward to last month. While scrolling through Facebook, I noticed a model call in the Grinkie Boudoir VIPs group. Christi was looking for people to test a white canopy bed. I thought nothing of it at first - what would a masculine person like me do with a frilly white bed? - but as her deadline got closer something about it intrigued me. So I picked four of my favorite selfies, sent them her way, and waited. I was proud of myself for submitting but didn't think I would get chosen.
And then I got a call. Or should I say missed it. (Sorry!!)
We talked about her ideas for the shoot and I surprised myself when not only did I have ideas too but I agreed to wear white. To say white clothes and I don't get along is an understatement. But why not? I thought. I was more than willing to follow her ideas, honored that she chose me.
I decided to go into the shoot with very few expectations for two reasons. First, there isn't really much gender-neutral boudoir inspiration to go off of (but I'm so glad it does exist!). And most importantly, I just wanted to look good and feel good about my body. Let's just say it worked.
I went into shoot day (my birthday!) relatively chill until about an hour beforehand when I suddenly got nervous. Paranoid. Critical. Not worthy? Probably. After the short trek across town (thanks to my partner for driving me), I found myself in front of the studio and heard a friendly "Hey!" from Christi down the hall.
She immediately made me feel welcome and comfortable in her space. We talked a little bit about what to expect before she gave me time to change. "Suit up," she said, so I stripped down. I chose to wear a muscle tee since it's one of my most gender-affirming tops and instead of shorts, I wore briefs. But I didn't feel exposed or anything like that. It felt natural. *I* felt natural.
I specifically remember the first photo of me. We could have stopped there but I'm so glad we didn't...even if it made the task of picking my favorites that much harder. Christi would periodically stop and show me the pictures she took, both from her camera and on a bigger screen. No matter the size and no matter the pose, I was amazed. In awe. Speechless (and those who know me know that's hard to do!). I couldn’t believe that was me in the pictures. Whether they were smiling or reacting to one of Christi’s ridiculous jokes, that person looked far too masculine, far too confident to be me, the awkward kid who overthinks everything. But it was! And I looked *good.*
I felt overwhelmed after the shoot but in a good way. I almost cried a bunch which is also hard to do. I would have picked all of the pictures we took if I could. I never thought that arm hair and stubble would make me feel euphoric. Thanks testosterone!
When Christi made the post with the picture we chose on social media she included an excellent quote from one of my inspirations, Elliot Page: “I can’t begin to express how remarkable it feels to finally love who I am enough to pursue my authentic self.”
Isn’t that what it’s all about in the end? We’re all just trying to find ourselves, to find our inner peace. I am so grateful to Christi and Grinkie Photography for helping me do just that. I hope my pictures will help inspire other people who don’t fit traditional beauty molds to give photoshoots like this one a try. I know I’ll be back - with a corresponding outfit for the vest this time!
