I haven’t felt beautiful in a while. How long? I don’t know and engaging in self-flagellation at this moment seems pointless. My skin has felt foreign to me and my body, it doesn’t feel like mine. I thought maybe it was my weight, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. Then I realized that the moments when I’ve been the skinniest, half-starved, and desperate for attention, were the moments I’ve hated myself the most.
Over the past year, I’ve embarked on a journey of self-love and it’s led me to the places I never thought I would travel. Life has taught me that I can’t love another person more than I love myself. I have learned to love myself even in moments, like this past year, when my world has come crashing down. Sure, I’m not as skinny as I want to be. My body is still beautiful though. It achieves things every day that I never have to think about. Every time I ask it to do something that my mind has deemed impossible, my body has said yes. I never knew how strong I was until I started walking through life on my own.
I have been single for the better part of three and a half years. I joke about marrying myself sometimes. I used to wonder what was wrong with me. All my friends have partners. I’d peek around corners thinking my other half would pop out and surprise me. Then I realized, I’m not half a person because I’m single. I’m whole on my own. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll be lucky enough to find someone else who is whole on their own too. We can be two wholes together, whatever that means. I have walked through so many challenges in my life, and while I may not have come out completely unscathed, I’ve come out stronger. Being single has given me the opportunity to know myself better than I ever thought I would. I do my best to honor who I am. Even though I’m a little weird sometimes (In the best way). I’ve seen lots of paths in the woods and I didn’t like any of them. So, I created my own. I have never been particularly good at following anyone else’s path. Being single has taught me that my happiness is not contingent on another person. I have learned that I can be perfectly happy on my own.
Life is strange, hard, and unexplainably beautiful. The moments when I have found myself at the bottom of a pit have been opportunities to climb. Just because my body isn’t perfect, doesn’t deny its beauty. I have earned every scar and stretch mark. They tell stories of moments when I’ve overcome adversity. I have learned to laugh through the tears and dance in the rain. Sometimes, when we least expect it, magic happens. Oh, and if I ever do marry myself, you’re all invited to the wedding.